Expert Accessibility Styling Tips: February 14, 2007

Weekly Styling Tips Blogger, Robert Florio, this week made it known that he's sick of games being so inaccessible that he'd like some people to play games according to HIS rules! Florio said at a press conference earlier this week:

"Games should have an option called "gamers with limited function assistance." Here's something that's sure to raise some eyebrows: This It's automatically on when the game starts and you must turn it off to enter non-assistive mode. That way it eliminates the quadriplegic gamer to have to use more steps to activate the mode that they need -- it starts up immediately."

Editor's Note: Our readers have written tons of letters full of praise but many full of ire. One person (Who was it? Industry insiders say it might have been none other than Oscar Nominee Helen Miron) called us up and was quoted as saying "Why should WE have to change the mode when we don't need it in the first place? Isn't there some 'in between?' That would be a lot less annoying for a hard core gamer like me!" (Hello? Microsoft Clippy, anyone?)

Meow. Helen, Helen, Helen...don't you see the irony?

Meet a Judge: Richard Van Tol

Coming soon...

News from the Road: February 12, 2007

When word got out that "Slecht Stukje" (that strange Dutch term Judge Richard Van Tol's people used the other day meant, basically, the crap that falls out of the pan when you are cooking something (the Dutch, it seems, don't believe in the 3 second rule...).

Patrons of the Nashville coffee shop that Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman frequent, other much less famous patrons reported to us that this time it was Nicole consoling Michelle, who was just released from the hospital (again) with "exhaustion."

Nicole, trying to get past the paparazzi after their coffee chat, just stopped and said "You know? Michelle is one of the bravest women I know and your constant stalking of shows that you have absolutely no respect for the craft of accessible game design. At Michelle's urging, I am now considering a role in a -- as yet unnamed -- accessible game project. For Richard to have been so crass as to suggest that Michelle is merely a flash "out of" the pan insults all women in gaming"

Cafe barista, Joan Landser, overheard Michelle talking on her mobile (Was it to Matthew McConaughey?) saying: "Nicole is my rock."

Meet an Announcer: Frank Cabanski

A Hollywood outsider, Frank was black listed after his now infamous dispute with Fabio, who claimed Frank's longer and more luxuriant hair (a style he still wears) was infringing on the famous model's image. Thanks to the encouragement of friends and family, often expressed as "will you please shut up," Frank resurrected his career as an emcee. Frank, and his fabulous hair, will be on hand as a studio announcer. Feel free to tip him, as he's earning minimum wage driving the Accessibility Idol set
around the country in a rented truck.

Oh that Frank -- we can never tell when he's kidding. But insider scoop from the AI studio suggests that the network suits are getting annoyed by continuing to bad mouth AI with talk of his pay. IGDA TV Network Exec Jason Della Rocca was quoted as saying "This is just the typical posturing we've come to expect from Frank -- now it's Frank...then it will be Robert...next thing you know? We have to shut the show down because we can't pay their outrageous weekly salary demands." Could Frank find himself replaced by Paula Abdul...crazier things have happened in the reality TV world!

News from the Road: February 9, 2007

What's this we hear? More troubles on the AI set, it seems, as Richard Van Tol is moved from co-host to...co-judge? That's right! Having had it with Michelle Hinn's diva antics all season, Richard threatened to walk away from AI altogether! Luckily, fellow Dutchman Eelke Folmer was there to smooth things over and convince the producers to make Van Tol a judge! Don't quote us on this but was this a move to reduce or INCREASE on set tension as Host Michelle Hinn battles it out with new Judge Richard Van Tol? Van Tol's publicity manager was quoted as saying "slecht stukje." At press time we have not yet received the Dutch translation.

Representatives for Hinn were unable to be reached for comment.

Meet a Judge: Eelke Folmer

Despite Al gore getting all the credit for inventing the Internet (I thought it was "Internets" now?) it was actually Eelke Folmer who captured this entity deep in the dark jungle of the Congo (circa 1980) and made it into what it is today. He also discovered Michelle Hinn living there amongst a tribe of monkeys (which explains her red hair & her craving for banana's) and brought her back to society.

Eelke's other notable achievements include: counting towards infinity and back (twice in '82 & ' 85) using only three coconuts and a carton of milk. After going literally crazy trying to divide by zero with a pair of mangos in 1987, he has been locked up in a mental hospital since and only released recently..... to be a judge on accessibility idol.

Editor's Note: Audience should be aware of additional security at the AI session. Should you see Eelke make any sudden moves, please stand on your chair and shout "there are no more pickles!" This will alert security to a potential problem and will promptly excort you out of the session to help maintain Eelke's grasp on reality.

Photos: Unavailable at this time. We didn't have a lens big enough to capture this 12 foot 8 Dutchboy.

Expert Accessibility Styling Tips: February 7, 2007

More Videos!!

There is a new video of quad controller game play, this time with Tomb Raider: Legends

• Video of Tomb Raider played using a Quad Controller
  

[Modelled by Robert Florio]

Meet a Contestant: Ellen Guon Beeman

Ellen Guon Beeman, Lead Program Manager (Executive Producer)

Build 1600.03.08.2007.

Copyright @ 2006-2007 Microsoft Casual Games.

All rights reserved.

WARNING: Unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this Executive Producer, or any portion of her, is protected by copyright law and international treaties.

This product is licensed to Michelle Hinn.

Abort, Retry, Fail? That's what Paris Hilton had to say about that after a heated whispered exchange with one of her entourage.

News from the Road: February 6, 2007

Stunning news from one of the AI contestants. The US State Department (yes, THAT US, THAT State Department) has informed us that Sam Lewis of the Cartoon Network (is he really?) must not appear on air or the US Department of Homeland Security Yes, THAT US, THAT Department of...man, you guys are tiring to write for) would issue a code "mango."

It seems that the ultra top-secret project design was leaked to the North Koreans, and now, in addition to demanding an end to the financial sanctions placed against their country, they want a copy of the game design. In response, the State Department has declared the design a State Secret. CNN, FoxNews, BBC, ABC, CBS, NBC, and ESPN have been discussing what the full speculative implications are of this for the past 24 hours. President Bush was quoted as saying "Mission Accomplished." It is not yet known what he was referring to at the time.

Through morse code, we've learned that Sam has gone into hiding in the mountains of Korea, in an attempt to dodge the CIA and Korean death squads. We'll miss you Sam -- in our hearts and our minds will play a looped montage to all the good times and the not-so-good times we've had on the Road to AI. Oddly, Noah Falstein had this to say about Sam: "You have to put your family before your Korea."

In other news, Ellen Guon Beeman has been revealed as the plot twist you'll never believe at the Finale in San Francisco.

Meet a Judge: Reid Kimball

"RBD" as he likes to be called, short for Really Brilliant Designer has made a name for himself by being really loud and making outrageous claims that may or may not be true. He credits the rise of episodic gaming in recent years to himself and often claims to be revolutionizing the field of accessible games. Believing to be the world's authority in closed captioning in games he says he has solved how to make games more accessible to the deaf and hard of hearing. Create a government law that requires everyone to learn American Sign Language and another law that requires all developers to create 1000's more animations so that all characters use visual hand gestures in the form of American Sign Language. RBD has been cited as calling his idea, "the greatest idea by mankind in modern times." Apparently, some disagree, such as Michelle Hinn whom he refers to as, "that dyslexic red-headed hippie who gets the concept of keeping her clothes on backwards."

When IGDA TV News caught up with Hinn, leaving the afterparty at the Champaign, Illinois International House of Pancakes with Courtney Love and entourage had this to say: "look, KGB or whatever your latest name is -- at least I remember to wear panties unlike other stars I won't name." (BritBrit anyone?) Love and Hinn then prank texted none other than Co-Host Richard Van Tol who was seen in Euro-land looking looking very swank on the Red Carpet (in his apartment), added to the rumors that there just might be a showdown between the cast of AI saying "I have no interest in RBK and his laws and Michelle is too crazy for her own good."

Ooooooh...Tension on the AI set already?

Meet a Judge: Robert Florio

Robert Florio one of our judges for Accessibility Idol (and official "top model" for this year's game accessibility equipment) has been known in theindustry for originality and risk taking developing accessible games and building (or is that burning?) bridges with developers and communities with his development team and company. Before Robert started his company tragedy struck: a life altering injury at the age of 14 paralyzed him from the chest down. Determined never to let another kid in the dark alone with no expressive tools or technology to play, joke and be a normal person again, he vows to be courageous in game design and challenge any developer to do the same.

This 25 year old artist, game designer and quadriplegic ranks among the best in game design and reaching out to everyone, especially gamers with disabilities.

Contestants...take note: All contestants need to bring their "A" game when presenting their accessible games! This judge is not afraid to speak his mind and give contestants a lot of good input on their designs, which should take them far in their fledgling careers -- he may be tough but he is fair. But be warned...if you hit a nerve by giving us style without accessible substance, Robert will give it to you straight. While Robert is a very deep thinker and a cool guy on the surface...underneath lurks the truth! Don't think you can charm yourself into this judge's heart, no matter if he appears kindhearted or not -- He can smell out any bad design.

We caught up with Florio at a Golden Globes afterparty (did anyone catch what 24's Keifer Sutherland was wearing...there are no words to describe it). Florio was kind enough to sit down with us and give the contestants some advise: "We are looking for
the best of the best in accessible design so anyone not taking this competition seriously will be eliminated. However...if you have something that's really cool, I
will let you know and even buy you a drink. Well...If you got what it takes."

Meet a Judge: Thomas Westin

Thomas Westin is known as the Grand Master of the ancient art of ïÅï'î”Ê‘í ì¸ - or Game Accessibility in English.

He knows exactly how to make any game accessible for everyone but he doesn't tell anyone as he likes to laugh at other peoples mistakes. Only those who have passed the test of finishing Terraformers will be given training in his secret Game Accessibility Training Camp in Sweden.

You know people...I don't make this stuff up. These celebs actually tell me this to put into their bios. Contestants...good luck figuring out what this guy has to say about your games if he keeps speaking in that oddball language of his -- you know, besides Swedish or English.

Meet a Contestant: Brenda Brathwaite/Chris Quinn

Known in the game industry as "The Sex Lady", Brenda Brathwaite is an expert in adult content in games and is pleased to accept the IGDA Accessibility SIG's challenge to design an accessible video game. "I probably won't design a sex game," said Brathwaite, who has also designed numerous role playing games. "I'm just getting into this to make Sheri Graner Ray nervous." When asked to respond Graner Ray, modelling this year's to die for Monolo's -- that's right...the strappy clog wedge kitten heeled snow boots that took the runway by storm said "Oh she'd better bring it because I'm going to design an even sexier game!"

Oooohhh...smack down! MSNBC Hardball's Chris Matthews threw this provocative theory out there: "Our sources have revealed that that Brathwaite is secretly a conservative pundit who has another agenda -- to shut down sex games!" You wish, Matthews! Brenda's now-infamous interview with CNN's Nancy Grace tells a completely different story. Grace's (daily) breakdown was exclusively centered on "That evil, evil sex lady...corrupting our country's moral compass and now dares to bring her voodoo witchcraft to the field of accessible video games. I am ashamed to call myself a 'gamer' Think of the children! I'm all for free speech except when it comes to issues of sex, violence, liberals..."

Meanwhile...who is Chris Quinn? And what is his involvement in this latest AI scandel?

Meet a Contestant: Ernest Adams

Long a game industry byword for debauched and abusive behavior, Ernest Adams has at last decided to abandon his drug-fueled three-in-a-bed romps with nubile E3 booth babes and make something useful of his life. "The arrests, the lawsuits, the LSD flashbacks...it was all starting to slow me down," Adams confided to our correspondent. "And besides, E3 is gone now. So I thought, hell, I might as well do a little game design work. Accessibility is a new field for me, and I'm really looking forward to the contest."

But word on the street tells us that something else is going on! Backstage whispers tell us that Accessibility Idol impresario Michelle Hinn has ordered up extra security staff and installed a cut-off into Adams' microphone as a precaution. "If that little creep calls me a 'saucy baggage' one more time," she reportedly raged to Idol staffers, "I'm going to shove this trophy right..." The remainder of Hinn's remarks are unfit for publication in our friendly family tabloid.

In other news...Style staffers have noted that this year's GDC celeb swag bag will contain Swarovski-encrusted Nintendo Wii Controllers and...get this...wigs. That's right...wigs. According to our sources, game devs really like to change their hair colors at a moment's notice and IGDA's Jason Della Rocca told us "As an industry we've been worried about the damage that all this hair coloring is doing to everyone's hair." (Psst...anyone remember AI Judge Reid Kimball's fushia hair with platinum silver streaks at the GDC Booth Crawl immediately followed by a mauve "accident" color that did not match his mobile phone AT ALL!) Della Rocca followed by saying that thanks to the generous donations that poured in after the recent "save their hair" telethon, everyone will have their choice of 14 different wigs hand-selected by our stylists to match the personality of all the developers. All wigs will be auctioned off by Christie's after the conference because who wants to be caught in the same hair color twice?

Meet a Contestant: Sam Lewis

There are three things we are certain are true about Sam Lewis: (1) he has a big mustache; (2) he has a perfect daughter; and (3) he is a game designer. The rest? We can neither confirm nor deny at this time.

But that hasn't stopped the tabloids from trying to piece together the full story behind this enigmatic AI contestant who burst onto the scene:

• Was in the US Army for 4 years, stationed in Texas and Germany
  
• Was a disco-machine, teaching none other than John Travolta how to "stay alive"
  
• Has a BA and MBA from Northwestern University in Economics
  
• Although he had a lifelong dream of being a project manager at a corn meal factory, he was forced to enter the game industry
  
• He was (is?) the lowest paid member of his graduating class but insists that he's proud of that, saying that it's important to him to show that
  
• Has probably worked for the following companies: a small adventure game company, Mayfair Games (Dragonrider's of Pern; DC Heroes); FASA Corporation (BattleTech. Renegade Legion, Earthdawn and Shadowrun); Kesmai Corporation; EA.Com, for its brief existence; Castle Hill Studios (Never made it to the game stores? Forge); Sony Online Entertainment (Austin) (for a new MMO...which of course was canceled for a different MMO...which was cancelled...by the end of 18 months he had three projects cancelled (Seinfeld Curse?) But he did work on Star Wars Galaxies and on the Legacy quest series)...hmm...something's fishy about all this an we intend to get to the bottom of it!
  
• Currently claims to be working for the Cartoon Network as Lead Designer, at which he's working on an upcoming online game. When pressed for comment, Sam said "no comment."

We smell a story in the works because something is just not adding up...Paris Hilton, watch out -- you are about to lose your seat on the throne of US Magazine Weekly once this story hits the press!

Meet a Contestant: Sheri Graner Ray

Coming soon...

Meet A Contestant: Noah Falstein

Noah Falstein has been developing games for quite some time, since before technology caught up with his imagination (for example, his conception of the game "Rock", although limited in scope, was seen by some as to be critical to later developments in playability afforded by the inventions of Paper and Scissors). He was one of the first ten employees at Lucasfilm Games, The 3DO Company, and Dreamworks Interactive, and remains the first and sole employee of his freelance design firm, The Inspiracy.

Conspiracy theories? That's right...we've heard that when actor/wrestler "The Rock" heard that he was a figment of Noah's imagination, D-listers all over Hollywood shook in fear that Noah would call them out as well. Meanwhile, a (fax) paper trail has been hitting every Kinkos in Tinseltown saying that "The Rock' is so over! Love, Noah" and "The Rock" was seen only 15 minutes ago cutting paper dolls out of one of the faxed copies.

Attorneys for Falstein dismissed all press inquiries except to say that Noah never even mentioned "The Rock" -- he was only referring to "A" Rock. This just in -- the unknown "faxer" was none other than Kid Rock -- Kid...lonely without Pam?

We'd thought that everything was finally cleared up for Noah and his fellow sole employees, a government inquest was started looking into the possibility that Falstein may have created the country of Iraq. Here we go...yet another celeb making the political rounds! The question remains, however -- will Noah run for president of Iraq or the United States. Washington insiders are abuzz...

Meet A Co-Host: Richard Van Tol

[Entry Deleted due to Cast Change Early February]

Meet The Host: Michelle Hinn

Editors Correction: Due to an altercation in Early February, Michelle is the only remaining host who said this about the incident: "Go be a judge, then, Richard since all you do is judge, judge, judge...why do you have to be so judgmental?"

Michelle Hinn, without saying, is the Game Industry's Media Darling (Diva?). People have to walk quickly to catch up with Hinn and the constant entourage she travels with at all times. But once the cameras are off...who is this Donkey-Kong-Flameball-Haired woman really?

Known in the tabloids as Drew Barrymore's BFF throughout her childhood and adolescent years, Michelle was headed towards a terrible fate -- would she become another tragic E! True Hollywood Story? During those painful teenage years, it was often said of the, then 13 year-old punk rock musician/pastry chef: "She takes her whiskey, like she takes her life...on the rocks." But in the end, it was her friendship with Drew that got her through the savage, dark media storm and back onto firm, solid (quick?) sand.

Although she remains close to Barrymore in her heart, the two have never been able to work through all of their demons and to this day carry with them two questions: "Who was Yar?" and "Why did he want revenge?" Hinn had this to say the day they both realized that they could never meet in person again. After being caught, yet again, with a GameBoy, she went back into gamer rehab only to be confronted with the news that her beloved Pac-Man was deceased.

"You'll never possibly understand what we saw that day, on the screen. I felt like I had lost all hope for humanity -- what good could life hold after this?" After 2 years of intensive counseling, she finally, victoriously, put another quarter in that Pac-Man machine and accepted that even if Pac-Man died again, his spirit would live on in sequels, in bizarre "retro" game collections, and that he would live again when children, reliving the 80s that they were born long after, would keep his legend alive.

News from the Road: February 3, 2007

So, we've been out on our AI world tour on our way back to California -- San Francisco, to be exact -- for the final episode of season one that we'll be bringing you LIVE from the Game Developers Conference and it's been rough out here. I think we have found the WORST example of an inaccessible game in Crete! That's right, during our show auditions in Crete the judges were blown away by one designer who we just couldn't believe wasn't just putting us on (the jury's still out on that). Judge Robert Florio -- who you KNOW doesn't mince words (and that's putting it politely...) -- literally spat out the Quad Controller he was gaming with and was quoted as saying: "You MUST be kidding, right? What part of 'accessible' meant 'inaccessible' to you? Get OUT! Your existence has wasted our time."

OUCH! Show Co-Host Michelle Hinn was later quoted as saying "Yeah, if that designer was dyslexic like me, I'd think 'damn, that's some crazy out there cool shit, totally rebellious'...but for a linear -- that's what we dyslexics call you 'regular' people -- unf**king believable...completely devoid of meaning." In a seemingly unrelated incident, Hinn was arrested later that night outside a disco in Heraklion for indecent exposure. Back to Ouzo rehab!

That's it for today -- And remember, stay tuned right here for the latest Accessibility Idol gossip!